Dear Pen Pal 5

Dear Penpal,

It has been a busy week. A friend visited me from the moon. He came here to stock up on chocolate covered macadamia nuts, which are hard to come by on the lunar surface. Have you been to the macadamia nut farm somewhere on the windward side? You can get free samples of nuts. They come in many flavors including but not limited to honey roasted, caramel coated, and spam. Yes, spam nuts.

Mainland Americans do not understand why people here love spam so much. No one eats spam where I'm from. For the most part, no one eats canned meat at all. Meat in a can? No. Soda, pop, coke, even juice, all these suggest canning. Fruits and vegetables, okay, if you're a midwestern homesteader during the depression. Everyone else should leave the spam alone before someone gets hurt or hurt feelings, which sting. No one eats spam on the moon either, in case you were wondering.

I was in an ABC store the other day and this woman said to me, "the Austro-Hungarian Empire of the early 1900s could have defeated the Prussian Empire of the late 1800s without breaking a sweat, if you don't account for technological advances in the intervening years." I told her she didn't know what she was talking about. The Prussians were nasty cusses for heaven's sake, everyone knows that. And how can you have an effective bloodthirsty empire made of people who speak two different languages? She started to argue but I cut her off. "Just ring up these nuts, okay?" I said placing my money on the counter.

Kindly, &c.